My nerves are as always out of control. I think that throughout my life even when I was much younger, I actually trained myself to really look one way while I felt another. I am just outside of Dr. Sunni’s office and I have literally allowed myself to fall to the floor crying. I wasn’t even paying attention to my surroundings nor did I care. In my mind, this situation could play out to be today or so much more longer than this. No offense, but I can not be a Susan, a Carol, a Mary Catherine, a Daniel, a John, a Maria, or a Lieutenant. This is just not in the cards for me. I am praying. I am literally knees to chest, back to the wall, head bent. “God, you have to have a better plan or path for me”. My heart is begging for all of the strings that Sofia is trying to pull is a true reality. My head is telling me that this floor is my reality.
As I am sitting on the floor trying to get my mind right, I feel the presence of someone else sitting next to me on the floor. I look up and it is Carol. She is sitting in the same position as I am and she is so concerned about me. Lieutenant has pulled up a chair and the prison table closest to us is full. Felonius, John, Daniel, and Susan are sitting there just watching. Maria is even floating a little harder which makes me think that she is worried as well. They have no idea as to what has just happened, whether it is good or bad. They don’t know that if all falls into place, that I can leave this shit hole today. I don’t want to tell them that I am leaving. To me, being in their shoes, it would make me think that I was slapping them in the face with this information of opportunity. I look around and I dry my tears. John winks at me for encouragement.
Carol is the first to speak. “What they say?” I am torn again with answering this question. I don’t want to tell them one thing and then I get the “get out of jail free” card. I just tell them that Dr. Sunni and Sofia were reviewing my case with me and that I am trying to understand this process. I tell them that I miss my husband and my dog. I want my life back. All of this is true. I did not believe that what I had just said was something that was new or untrue for any of them. For the first time since being in the “Doom Room”, I notice some confidence in Carol. She looks at me and says, “You are the strongest and smartest person in here. We all know this. Have you noticed that this group didn’t even talk to each other when you first got here and now we are sitting in our own ‘Group’? ” I see Daniel shaking his head in agreement. He says that this is the first time he felt like he was actually sitting with some friends that understood him and not judged him as to who he was. I thank them for the compliment and tell them that everything is ok. I just needed a moment. Everyone understands and before we can get up and go back to “recreation”, Ghetto and Disgusting is asking us to stay put while they scan our arms. Being here is still a reality. I am still here!
“Nicole, how likely do you think that this situation is going to work out in our favor sooner versus later? Real talk.” I had to bounce that question off to somewhere in the world and why not ask the “Realest”. Nicole looks out the passenger side window of the car. She is probably thinking the same thing. As she is talking to me, she is still looking out onto the highway and the Tampa city skyline. “Look Chic, I have no idea as to how this shit is going to play out. I am worried that this Fernandez guy is going to run away with that cashier’s check. Jacinta, along with that money, is going to be lost to us. My gut is telling me not to trust this man. Having said that, I need you to know that Jacinta can think clearly and strategically. I know she is not in there just twiddling her thumbs. She has probably written a business plan in purple crayon. Our girl is going to be straight. But this bad ass God son of yours is going to get a spanking if he kicks me one more time. You gotta check them early.” All of that and she threatens to spank my unborn God son. Unbelievable. I ask her if she is hungry. I know she is and I know that this is why my little man has an attitude with her. She says that we need to hit a quick drive thru and head towards the hospital to get these documents straight. I bust a move into McDonalds!
Tick Tock…. Tick Tock…. Tick Tock….
I don’t have a clock or a watch but the clicking of time getting away from me is playing like a broken record in my head. To pass the time away, I go back to my seat with John at our prison table. The are announcing “Lunch” and we all do our typical routine of waiting until coffee is called. John is reading yet another paperback mystery and I am trying to see how he has this plethora of endless novels to read. I ask him how he has been able to keep them and he says that each week, his son brings him a stack of books from the public library and returns them for him when they have their visits. I didn’t even know we were allowed to have certain items other than clothing. “Jacinta, I am going to need you to read more. Not just novels and things for fun. I need you to understand the paperwork that you sign. I want you to find out what is rightfully yours. You should have been out of here by now. You are smarter than you think and you are not taking advantage of it. I can only give you so much advice. Read the paperwork to see what you can have and what you can’t have as a ward of the state of Florida.” This was like a punch to the nose. I never thought to ask for my paperwork or to see what the rules really were. No one here, especially the social workers, are here to help you. They are here to make sure that they have documentation for me to continue to stay in this shit hole for hospital revenue. Dumb me!
At the next prison table I hear a loud falling breaking sound. Then someone yells “Jenga”. For some strange reason this mesmerized me. I saw Daniel and Lieutenant putting the tower back together to start a new game. I was never into toys. Even growing up. I was more interested to see what the new James Bond girl was going to be wearing. I literally thought that Gucci equated to Jacinta and it still does. Who gets that kinda habit, me a true label whore and proud of it! I still continue to watch the group play Jenga and it amazed me that they were pushing those blocks of wood and placing it on top to rebuild the tower. I saw each of these blocks as a portion of my life. I couldn’t get past it. I am literally in a zone and so entranced that when the block didn’t get pulled right, the tower fell and made that same falling breaking sound. I still compare my life to that Jenga game. Its like you build and build and make changes and then you rebuild and then it takes one slight move and then it comes all tumbling down. The sound of the blocks hitting the table scares the shit out of me. So much so that John has grabbed my hand to sort of bring me back to reality. Ironically, both my feelings and the Jenga blocks are my reality.
I am doing the best that I can to get Nicole and I to the hospital. I feel more confident that we can actually bring some action to the table with real legal documents in our hands. Jacinta can actually see that we are truly doing everything that we can to get her back. The urgency that she had in her voice when I spoke to her, had me on high alert. I am not sure what they are doing to her in there, but I cant take not being able to do anything to help her. This is the most fucked part about the situation. This Baker Act thing, made me feel like she was no longer my wife, but she was the wife to the state of Florida and he could just treat her any kind of way and I couldn’t do shit about it. Well fuck you Florida, don’t believe me just watch. It’s about to be a “meet me at the rec” moment. Not to mention, Mrs. Binion is full and she looks like she has picked up her second wind.
OK!!!! SO HERE IS WHAT NIETHER SIDE KNOWS AT THIS TIME…..
Chico and Nicole have filed a motion in court under the Baker Act on my behalf. This motion DOES NOT promise me anything but a court date to actually proceed with the trial. The sooner I get the docket date, the sooner the trial, the sooner I can be released. Not necessarily today, but sooner versus later. This can be a quick process if the right people are on your team, hence Attorney Fernandez. The hope is that I can have my process expedited to be released within the month or sooner. The other hope is that a speedy court hearing (not a trial) can determine that I am ok to be placed on Baker Act Probation, which allows me to go home at night. If and when the case goes to trial, my record will be clean in a sense that it says I did all that I had to do to satisfy the state of Florida and I am no longer a ward of the state.
Sofia and Dr. Sunni are pushing for me to get immediate Baker Act Probation. There is a loop hole in my case because of my initial illness of having these breast tumors. This loop hole allows me to be excused from the “Doom Room” so that I can attend to other medical appointments and it also gives me an out to be out of this shit hole and be at home. I will still have to come here everyday, but at least I can bathe, eat, and sleep decently. I will still have to report into a Baker Act appointed Psychiatrist who will administer meds and documentation back to the state of Florida of my current condition. A judge will determine, based on what information that he/she is given on me how long I will be under the Baker Act. I know this is some bullshit, but it gets me out of here today if I can get the right paperwork signed and submitted based off a favor from Sofia.
Here is what I don’t know….
I have no idea that Chico has secured a legal situation and he has no clue that I need his signature right away for Sofia’s plan. Both Attorney Fernandez and Dr. Sunni have submitted their suggested files for my case.
I am still kind of trembling from the sound of the blocks that just hit the table again. Disgusting walks over to us and we all put out hands in the air for him to scan our bracelets. When he gets to me, he asks if my name was Jacinta Daniel. This pisses me off because he can clearly see that on my wrist band. Not thinking anything of it, he says “this paperwork was just faxed over for your signature. They need you to sign them and turn them back in to be processed. ” He moves along like it is no big deal at all. Because I haven’t announced to the world that I am trying to bust up out of here like yesterday I am in no capacity to think clearly. John senses this and says, “Don’t forget to read your paperwork!” He must know what this is all about and yet I ain’t saying shit…..