It is always hot and muggy in here. I wish that there was better air circulation. If so, I wouldn’t be able to smell Disgusting. He is tapping on his clip board again and the tapping is driving me crazy. My arm is up in the air so that he can scan my arm band. I do not want him touching me. I don’t want anyone touching me. I am sitting with my back against the wall on the rubber mat that I have been provided as my bed. I hear the rattling of wheels roll across the linoleum floor and I realize that it is Vontay coming to take my blood pressure. All I hear is wheels sliding across this God awful floor. The sweat is running down my face now. I hear the beeping of the scanner for my arm. I hear more taps on the clip board. I hear the beeps from the blood pressure machine. I feel sick. I am nauseous. There are only a few people awake. Everyone else is on their rubber mats. I feel as if they have turned the heat on. I can’t take it anymore. You can tell that the others who are not sleep are having the same issue. Daniel is the first to act out. He takes the clip board from Disgusting and slams it against the cinder block wall. It wakes the “Doom Room” up. The breaking of the clip board scares the shit out me. The fact that Daniel is now running on top of the prison tables has everyone in a fuss. I can’t hold on any longer. I throw up.
It is 3 a.m. and I was sleeping pretty good. I wake suddenly to Baylor’s growling. At first, I am thinking that he is trying to tell me that someone is breaking into the house. Then I look over to find Cint covered in sweat and vomit. She is sitting straight up in the bed. I reach to grab her hand and she yanks it away. She is cussing up a storm telling me that when her husband finds out just how badly you have treated her in here, heads will roll. I touch her gently again to tell her that I am her husband. She yanks her hand away again telling me that I wish that I was her Chico. It now dawns on me that she doesn’t know who I am. I get up and turn on the bedroom lamps. I am very slow at approaching her. I don’t want to scare her. I need for her to realize that she is safe and she is indeed with me.
She has her hands over her eyes. It is as if she is wishing herself away from whatever she is dealing with. I can’t tell if this is sweat, tears, or both rolling down her cheeks. “Babe, you ok?” This is all I can muster to say. I don’t know what to do really. She looks up. Her eyes are red. Her skin is red and I ask her if it is ok for me to hold her hand. She starts to look around. I can still tell by her eyes that she is still uncertain about where she is or what is going on around her. “Babe, you are at home. You are safe. We are not in Florida. You are safe and I am here.” These are tears that are now rolling down her face. “Babe, don’t let them take me back to that place again.” She is now grabbing me by my waist to the point where I can’t move. I rub her head. “Trust me, you will never be in that situation again. I promise you that.” I mean every word.
The baby is kicking away and has me in a position where I can’t get comfortable or sleep. I left Atlanta yesterday from visiting Cint. I knew that I couldn’t stay long, but I was going to check on her anyway. I needed to see where she was. I wanted to know that she was ok and I had to see it with my own eyes. I look over to see my Caleb sleeping so peacefully. Damn him. He is the reason that I can’t get back to sleep right now. Caleb has a big head. I am imagining that the reason why my baby is kicking and probably screaming is because he feels his head getting bigger too. My head is perfect. In fact, everything about me is perfect. I start to chant the word “perfect” so that the baby can calm down.
I grab my phone and decide to see what is happening in the world. I go on Cint’s Facebook page to see if she has posted anything new. She hasn’t. I look forward to her silliness. I miss it. If you were in a bad mood, Cint could definitely get you in a better one. She is in her own natural right hilarious. I scroll through her old posts just to see if there is something there that is entertaining and of course it is. As I am reading and scrolling through her page, I am hoping that the person who wrote and posted all of this stuff comes back. I need her. The baby needs her. Chico needs her. The rest of Facebook needs her. I find myself mumbling “Fucking Florida”. How do you just fuck up somebody’s well being? I don’t get that shit. It pisses me off. Now I am up for real. There is no going back to sleep for me as of right now. I look over at Caleb. He is still sleeping so good. I push him to wake him up. “I can’t sleep because your baby keeps kicking me because he thinks his head is going to be big like yours! You done scared my baby, woke me up, and now we hungry!” Caleb is rubbing his eyes. He is probably wishing that I was still in Atlanta. He has the strongest Harlem swag and accent to go with it. “Nicole, you got to be fucking kidding me right now”. My face says it all… “Hell nah!” He looks me in the face, knows the drill, and starts to head for the kitchen. On his way out of the door he yells, “What time does your flight leave to go to Atlanta this morning?” Jerk! He got me pregnant and now he wants to ship my ass to Atlanta. He knows I just got back. Oh shit, maybe that is what we should do… We should move to Atlanta too.
I am able to clean up around Jacinta. I urge her to take a shower and she does it without resisting. She is still not all the way right, but even she can tell that she needs to shower. In the meanwhile, I take the sheets off of the bed and begin to get our bedroom back in order. The shower is steamy. I decide to join her in the shower. This is something that we did before all of this shit happened. This was our talking time, our intimate time. We took every shower together as one. I miss it. I decide that I need to start reminding Jacinta that she is Jacinta and she is stronger than this shit. At first she is shy with me. The water is steady running and I can tell that she is self conscious about the little red bumps that are on her face, arms, and legs. I don’t care about any of that. I just need her to know that I love her. I take the sprayer and run the water over her hair. I start to shampoo it. She closes her eyes and I can tell that this is a “good” thing. This is something that she misses too. She starts to talk and I tell her to hush. It is just us in the shower. No words need to be spoken. I clean her from head to toe. She is grateful. For the first time since she has been home, she is adapting to being with me. I don’t want this time to end. For this one moment, I have my baby back.
I dry her off and wrap a towel around her now damp hair. I lead her to the guest bedroom so that we can lay down and possibly get some rest. It is now 6 a.m. I am holding her. I want to assure her that nothing is going to take her from me. She smells like my “Cint”. I kiss her on her neck and she jumps. “It’s me babe. You are safe.” She continues to let me kiss her. All towels are off at this point. What was intended to be a love making session turns into a wild screw. Not sure where her head is, but I am the one that ends up getting fucked. Part of me likes it. Part of me is worried. I need her mind on us, not that other shit. She is at her limit and her screams of passion are bouncing off the walls of this house. This drives me crazy and I am right there with her. We don’t say anything. Her eyes are still wild from what, I don’t know. She lays back down beside me and falls off asleep. Any other time, I would be snoring. I can’t fall back asleep. My mind is racing. If this is the anxiety that she feels on a regular, she is way stronger than I can imagine. This is a horrible feeling.
We have a doctor’s appointment set up with Dr. Faruque at 2 p.m. later today. He will be her new primary care physician. Let’s just hope that all goes well with him and he is able to help bring me my Jacinta. This will be a hard visit. With all of the mental stuff going on, I am not even sure if we are in a position to face both her mental and the battle of cancer. I don’t know if she even remembers that this is why we were at the doctor in the first place. I hope that this doesn’t add fuel to the fire, but I know that I am wrong. For now, I will make sure that she gets enough rest before it is time to get ready for the appointment. I am not what one would consider religious. However, right now, I am praying…