Jordan is crying. I am too small to pick her up on my own. Momma has locked us in the closet again. I rock Jordan back and forth so that she will possibly calm down. I don’t want Momma getting mad at us again for making too much noise. I have to use the bathroom, but I know better than to leave this closet. Daddy is away for work. He leaves a lot. I hate it when he leaves. It is too many days before we get to see him again. He showed me the boat that he was going to be on while he was away for work. It is a big gray ship. I am supposed to be a big girl and help Momma with Jordan while he is away. He promises that he will bring me a treat if I am really good. Momma is having another party with this man that I don’t like. He scares me. I wish that Daddy would hurry up and come home.
I hate the dark, but I am growing to live in it without being so afraid. Right now, I can’t be afraid. I have to be a big sister and help take care of Jordan. She is still crying and her diaper smells. There are slits in the door of the closet and because of this I am able to get some light to shine inside of the closet. Momma is playing Daddy’s expensive stereo set. The music is loud and I am somewhat thankful. The noise of the music drowns out the crying from Jordan. I keep rocking Jordan from side to side. She is kicking her legs and is now screaming really loud. She probably wants her bottle. I want some apple juice and something to eat. I don’t know when Momma is going to be finished with her party. Either way, she is going to be upset when she sees that I have just peed on myself and Jordan is in here crying. She is going to yell at us for sure. Maybe she will smoke one of her cigarettes and it will make her calm down.
Momma isn’t just mad with us. She is also really mad with Daddy. She is always yelling “Where the hell is your father!” I don’t know why she keeps asking us that. Daddy told us he was going away on the big gray ship for work. She knows this, I just think she doesn’t like it when he leaves. Maybe this is why she has her parties. Maybe she has her parties to make her happy while Daddy is away at work. Jordan and I have to stay in the closet so that we won’t be in the way or we won’t make Momma mad. She told me to not come out of the closet until she says so. I just wish that her friends would go home soon. We are both hungry and Jordan needs a new diaper. I wish that Daddy would come home and stop leaving on the big gray ship. It takes too many days for him to come home. At least when Daddy is home, we don’t have to go to the closet.
I have no idea where the flashback of my childhood came from. I guess getting a visit from my grandmother reminded me of how we came to be with her in the first place. I never really spoke about what happened with us in Virginia when I was small. I didn’t think most people would believe me if I told them any way. I was only three years old and Jordan was around eighteen months. I have another grandmother, my mother’s mother. She wasn’t anything like my Goodmomma that raised us. My other grandmother told me that if I told anyone about being in the closet, that other people would take me away from all of my family. I think because she made such a big deal about it and emphasized that she thought that I was crazy. Till this day, she considers me to be a liar. I am a lot of things, but a liar I am not. Why would I have to lie about being put in a closet. At that age, I didn’t know the difference of right and wrong. I just did as I was told. Being put into the “Doom Room” has isolated me mentally. Going to Grady to see Jordan in the same situation, makes me think about us being in that closet together for days on end. I know the urgency and the desire Jordan must be feeling about being in that place. Lucky for her, she doesn’t remember being in the closet. I wish I didn’t remember either.
Jacinta is staring out of the window of the car while we roll swiftly through our neighborhood and onto the expressway. No telling what is going on in her head. “Babe, you ok?” She still stares out into the endless spread of Atlanta Kudzu. I ask her again and this time I shake her out of her daze. Joseph is in the back seat and we are just trying to get to Grady. I am sure his mind is wondering and thinking of all kinds of things. I really don’t think that it is a good idea for Jacinta to be out. She really does need a break. “Yes babe, what did you say?” I ask her again if she is ok. “Yeah. I am fine. I guess my mind just isn’t been so great to me today.” She can say that again.
I pull into the parking garage of Grady and we are off to find Jordan’s room. We are standing in the line at the entrance to get our visitor’s badge. I can tell that none of us are feeling any of this waiting for permission to see her song and dance. I grab Jacinta’s hand and we are off to the H elevators. It was as if I was reading Joseph’s mind. He is right behind us. Ding!!! The elevator doors open and with floor that we pass, there is a beep. Those beeps feel like a dreadful song that is playing for what is about to happen. I have no idea what we are about to run into with Jordan. The tone that Joseph used earlier didn’t seem as if he was a happy camper. This has already gotten me in defense mode.
We get to the twelfth floor and just like the day before, we are buzzed into the double doors and yes, this looks like the matrix room from the “Doom Room”. Cint appears numb and you can tell that her only focus is to make sure that Jordan is ok. Even if she isn’t, she is going to make sure that Jordan is ok. She has always felt responsible for her and her sister. I know that some things happened to them when they were young. Cint doesn’t speak about the situation that often. But she carries this guilt around about their situation as if what happened to them was her fault or that she could have done something to better protect them. How are you supposed to protect your 18 month old sister when you are only 3. I can’t imagine putting a baby and a toddler through the neglect and abuse that they had endured. It makes absolutely no sense to me.
As soon as we get through the double doors, there is a loud crash and I already know that this sound is coming from Jordan’s room. When she called me earlier, she told me that she had asked the nurse for her regular meds. She and the nurse ended up going back and forth. I already know from the tone of her voice, that she was on ten. I have been trying to reach Jordan’s personal Psychiatrist. I haven’t had any luck. I need a doctor to release her to either another hospital or release her to private care. I prefer private care. These kids have been through hell and back. I wasn’t there for a lot of their suffering. I didn’t know that it was even going on until it was too late.
We get to the room and Jordan is really upset. She just keeps crying about the pain that she is having in her stomach. She has vomit in her bed and in her hair. They aren’t doing shit down here to take care of her. I am livid. I go to the nurse’s station and I demand that they remove her IV. No one looks as though they give a damn about my request nor do they look like they plan on helping her. Fuck it. I go back into the room. I tell Jordan to close her eyes. Jacinta is holding her hand. I literally yank the IV out of her arm. I get a Kleenex. I tell her to hold the tissue on her arm so that she stops bleeding from the port. “Jacinta!! Get her things. We are leaving here now! Chico, get the car and we will meet you out front. Jordan, do you think you can walk to the elevators?” I see that she is week. I go into the hallway and there is an empty wheelchair. I grab it. Jacinta has already put Jordan some clothes on and the next thing I know we are rolling up out of this damn hospital. The Deputy Sheriff that is holding guard on the twelfth floor finally looks up and notices that we are leaving.
“Sir!!! Excuse Me!!! Sir!!!” I keep walking. I am not going to even acknowledge his ass. He didn’t bother to give a shit, when I requested help from the nurse’s and they pretended that my ass wasn’t even there. I feel the grasp of hand on my arm. I turn around and in the lowest but most raving tone, “You better get your fucking hands up off of me!” The Deputy looks me straight in the eye. “Sir, you can not leave this hospital with that patient. That patient has to be released by a doctor.” I look closely at his badge. “Officer Garett, my name is Joseph Jones. If anyone asks you what the hell happened, you give them my fucking name! Outside of that, it is best that you leave me and my family alone and let us be on our way. I am not the one that you want to dance with. Do you understand?” With that, Chico grabs Jacinta’s hand and leads the way for me to push Jordan towards the elevators. Fuck Grady!