This page may blow your mind. However, I have to get this out of my head. Hopefully, most of you will understand my thought process as I plan to add to this list of “consequences of being good”. I just got finished watching an interview segment by Soledad O’Brien (Whom, I have met personally and worked with. I simply adore her and her ethical stance. True definition of a lady indeed). This evening she reported the interview featuring “The Hypothetical Confessions of O. J. Simpson.” I can remember this murder trial like most of America. That trial consumed my summer of 1992. I was glued to the television every single day. It wasn’t until this evening that I realized how much in common that O. J. Simpson and I have.
STOP!!! I haven’t hurt a fly! Let’s be clear!! I will tell you that as he was speaking throughout the interview, I recognized so much of myself as a wreck when I first got out of the “Doom Room”. There is a part of the interview in which O.J. says that “his first time in court, the media said that he looked exhausted and that he was tired.” What pissed him off and what turned the light bulb on for myself was that O. J. stated that for the first 17 months of his incarceration, including his time during the trial, he was locked into solitary confinement with a mental health watch in which they woke him every fifteen minutes. I sat straight up in my chair when I heard this. All of the irrational behavior that O.J. exemplified before, during, and after this horrible incident is a result of something traumatic that had happened to him many, many years before the murders of his ex-wife and her friend.
Being an African American female that had reached a certain level of success, I will tell you that all of the words and mannerisms that O.J. displayed thereafter and in other media clips all made sense to me. Real recognizes real. While I was in the “Doom Room”, that damn orderly scanned my arm every fifteen minutes. The upset that O.J. experienced was something that I also experienced. I am not O.J. Simpson. BUT!!! I do know what it feels like to be stripped of your dignity and your humanity. Whether he committed a crime or not, is neither here nor there. The mind is a very powerful thing. The fact that most mental and prison facilities treat “patients” and “inmates” as if they are robots is the most degrading. I only experienced a total of four days and nights in the “Doom Room”. O.J. Simpson experienced this treatment for seventeen months and by himself. If nothing else, I at least had other people around me to watch or speak to if I wanted.
The reason I decided to name this page “The Consequences of Being Good” is because when you are a person like myself, you tend to right the wrongs of when you are addressing your mental faults. Whether others notice the behavior for which you are displaying, there are an infinite amount of things that one will do to prove that they are “GOOD”. “GOOD” is such a broad word. It has such a broad definition and depending on who is defining it, it can make or break a situation. I say this to say…. I have spent my entire life trying to please people, to make others happy. I have convinced myself that if I position myself to be giving, to be liked, to be LOVED, then “GOOD” is what I will end up to be. I have jumped through hoops, did things that I didn’t want to do, put myself in situations that have affected me until this day. I did this out of the idea of being “GOOD”. The consequences of my actions have sent me through a path of dismissal and questionability of who I really am.
So let’s put it out there, shall we. I like being at home. I don’t want to hang out all of the damn time. I am tired of paying for the dinner tab. Can someone else pay for dinner for a damn change? No, I don’t feel like calling to see how you are doing or if I can do anything to help your ass. When was the last time you called to see what the hell I needed? I am broke. I don’t have what you think I have. I make shit happen because that is what grown ass people are supposed to do. I cry A LOT!!! I have gained weight and I feel as though I look like shit. As a matter of fact, I have added new scars that will never go away no matter how much plastic surgery that I have. I am a gold digger. Sorry, but I am a label whore. I love Chanel, Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Alexander McQueen, and St. John. There should never be a situation where I have too many shoes, there is just no such thing. I believe that diamonds should be at my disposal. In fact, I believe in Egyptian and Indian culture. The more jewelry the better. I am a snob. I like getting my passport stamped. It makes a difference to me to see what else God has created.
And the worse consequence of all…. I LOVE YOU! Yes, I love you! There are people that have been in and out of my life and will think that this whole paragraph is about you and it isn’t. I love loving someone. The reason I love you is because I know what it feels like to want to be loved. I would rather hurt than to see you hurt. I would rather go without than to see you go without. I would rather pay the damn dinner tab because I know what it feels like to want someone to do something for you sometimes. If there is anything that I can do to make you feel better, I want to be that person to help you. Confusing? It is my definition of “Organized Noise”. It is my definition and explanation of my own insanity.
So as I am watching O.J. go through the motion that go from one extreme to another. I feel him. I understand his “logic”. It doesn’t have to make sense to me. It really doesn’t have to do with those two murders. What you see on television is a man broken. He is broken from not just his trials and tribulations with the media, the murders, society. He is a consequence of being good. O.J. had issues way before any of these interviews came to be. The problem that he suffered from was trying to be “GOOD”. There are so many people that can’t understand all that a person with a mental illness must go through psychologically in order to understand their own chaos. I only wish that society didn’t look down on real medical treatment and I truly mean treatment, not abuse and neglect because you don’t understand the psyche of the situation. I wish that people would put forth a better effort to understand and accept people and situations for what they truly are. Stop judging. Stop going to God and asking a bunch of questions. He has already given us his answers and the path that he chooses to place before us. It is what Oprah refers to as “Your Own Work”.
I don’t want you to read this page and think that I got mad and decided to go off on a rant. What I do want you to recognize is that people are people. Truth of the matter is… Something is wrong with all of us. I can’t improve my way of life if I don’t make the decisions to recognize when something is wrong with me. I have to be open and honest with others around me. I do this in hope that they will start to understand how our minds work, how my mind works. I want to be appreciated for the person that I truly am, not the person that I am going out of my way to try to be. Doing all of that extra is just “Not My Work”!
And this aint no jive!